Im going to start blogging again. I have so much unsaid thoughts that I need to say. I don’t want to blast my emotions on twitter, nor do I want to annoy my friends on my ongoing dilemmas because they don’t need that baggage. No one can really help me besides myself. 

You know, things have gotten real difficult for us ever since we broke up. Honestly, we really shouldn’t have. We were happy. You say you don’t want to be tied down, but then why did you ask me to be your girlfriend in the first place? Everythings just so perfect with us. You say we can’t be happy naturally anymore, it’s only cause were not together officially. Think about it, when we were nothing else mattered. We don’t have to worry about other people, we didnt have problems, we never argued. It was just me and you. I miss that. I miss being care free about everything. Hasn’t been like that in about a month and a half now. We both love each other. So why not just be together? You say you can’t get over your ex girlfriend, but it seems like she isn’t even a factor. You think I like Ryan? But no, I’ve learned to get past him, he’s nothing I want at all. I may thought I did for the longest time, but ever since you came along, things became clear that you’re the one for me. I wish you would understand that. I wish you can trust me and I wish you still believed in us. I always believe in us. That’s why I try so hard all the time. That’s why I’ve never let go or been done with you. I never want to be done. I promise you, I will never break your heart. You should know me better than that. I just need answers and explanations from you. Like what do you want to happen with us? Cause it’s either we’re together or were miserable like this. I hate being the way we are, trying to be happy. And when we are actually happy, at the end of the day we ponder on how we’re not together or stuff along the lines of that. There’s always a doubt on what could go wrong rather then what could go right. There’s always jealousy and trust issues. There’s always tests to see who cares or who doesn’t. It’s not like we’re together so why are those problems now? We never thought about that when we were together, never. We always reassured each other on things always. Now it’s either I’m the only one or none of us does. I hate being the only one trying. But it’s better then having no one try. You’ve changed. I don’t see the guy i fell in love with anymore. It’s not the same and I want to know why. Why have you changed? What’s wrong with everything? I miss how things use to be. We’re always getting into unnecessary arguments. I just want to be happy, I want to be happy with you. I want to know that everything’s going to be okay and that you’re gonna be there and care for me always. You’re looking too further on the past & future rather then the present. You still think about how you need to get over your ex in order to have something with me so you can’t cheat me out of a relationship. Then you say young relationships dont last & you want I save what you truly want for the end. What makes you think we won’t last? What makes you think I’ll break your heart? I haven’t showed you or done anything wrong for me that to even be possible. I don’t understand at all. You say you always want me. Well then get me. Let me be all yours and let me have you as all mine. You he mad that other guys try and talk to me and you say you don’t want to lose me. Well you’re the one who is letting go. And you could’ve prevented this from happening. They wouldn’t try talking to me if I wasn’t single. If that even is the case? You get hella mad when some guy tries to talk to me but I can’t get mad that you text hella other girls or anything? I mean you actually talked to someone new. You messed around with a girl. 2 new girls at that. And I can’t even just hve a conversation with one? What the fuck? That makes no sense. You need to get things straight. I’m here for you right now and will be forever, nothing will change. Why can’t we just try and be together right now. That’s what will fix things. I can’t just keep things going like this. Why do we have to suffer right now. We both know we want to together. Everyone does. We need to in order to be happy. I mean, we have a possibility of breaking up yeah, but why do we have to now while we can actually be happy together. We can save our break for later, just not now while we actually can be together. I love you, you love me. You just never show it anymore an that upsets me. You talk to me like you dont care or don’t even want to. You get pissed off with the littlest things. You act like you’re always annoyed with me. It’s like you hate me. I know you don’t so why do you have to make it seem that way. I guess we just hurt the ones we love or what? Whenever we had a conversation I just get all sad cause you act that way, but I’d rather have it be that way then not talk to you at all. I hate not talking to you. I don’t think you understand how much I really care for you. I think about you nonstop, I think about you the most on our bad days. I worry a lot and I hate worrying. The last month and a half, I’ve been worrying. I’m worried that im going to lose you for good and be replaced by someone else. I think as if we don’t matter in your mind anymore. That all the stuff we’ve been through is jut whatever you do. I hate thinking that I can’t make you happy anymore or that I tend to bore you now? I dont know. I used to have this thought that you thought I was the best there was out there and I loved that feeling. I loved feeling that I was the only thing you needed and wanted in your life and thinking that I was the best girl out there. Now, I don’t even know what you think of me. You haven’t told me in a long time that I just can’t even remember. I need to be reminded sometimes. I wish you could do that. I wish you could see how i see things. I haven’t given up at all and I feel like you have. Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Don’t let me go. Just don’t do any of that. Cause if you do, I will never forgive you and things will never be the same again. I really hope that you can truly see what being together right now would do. It would make things so much better. There will never be any games or lies, ever. I just wish you knew that. I love you, don’t forget.

I’ve come to a point in my life where sex is a part of it. My relationship has changed because of it, it’s my fault too. Well, that’s my opinion. Here’s the thing, I got into a relationship with a guy who has had his experience with it, plenty of times. I knew what I was getting myself into at the beginning of it all, I thought about if we would end up doing it or not, but I didn’t think we actually would, based on his history and my history with relationships. I thought the farthest we would go was just kiss-that’s it. My wishes on sex was losing it to someone who I was completely comfortable with, someone who I can fully trust & someone who i loved, but also someone who lost their virginity to me to. Everything was correct with him besides him losing it to me, and I’m fine with that. It’s just I feel like I rushed into it now that I look back on it. I feel like it ruined my relationship with the guy I lost it to. I feel that by being in control of that situation it made me seem less “perfect” to him. But that’s just me thinking too much like always. You see, it takes time to fall in love, get comfortable, or really trust someone. it took a few weeks to get to know this guy and really like I him the way I do. We spent so much time together it’s as if we knew each other for the longest, which is why I let it happen. I was comfortable with it. And I thought it was fine. Enough about the past though let’s talk about what it’s like now. Same guy, different situation. We’re not together together anymore but it’s like we still are, just not the title/obligations. I don’t get why when I want to its wrong but when he does it’s fine. He says he doesn’t want me to be corrupted and I don’t get how he thinks I would be. I don’t think he understands that I have restraints, just not with him lol. He doesn’t get that im only okay with doing it with him and that im not just going to do it with anyone random. I don’t see myself doing it with any other guy besides him cause I mean no one can ever have a relationship with me the way he can. I don’t think anyone ever fully understands me like he does. And I don’t think I’d ever trust or be comfortable around anyone besides him. He’s just someone who will never be out of my life or replaced. Anyway, whenever he wants to. It’s okay with him, there’s no complaints. It’s like you’d do it with all the they girls before but then when it comes to me, you don’t want to? Well okay then? I mean I understand where he’s coming from with the whole thing on how it’s appropriate for marriage and all of that but why do you say that and think about that only when i want to do it. So it confuses me. Then theres situations where we get into the subject on where it’s gonna happen and stuff but it’s like hello you just said its not okay doing it. My sex life is a mess. Well, ain’t that complicated as other people. Mines with only one person who I truly care about and love, I just wish he knew that and my perspective on this whole thing.